


We’re not like that

by gp120



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:21:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gp120/pseuds/gp120
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short one shot. Crowley finds out Dean's past is the reason he is not into sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We’re not like that

**Author's Note:**

> Had to put this quick one up. It has been burning on my hard drive for weeks. Minimal editing and tons of mistakes bound to be there. Might be edited further when I get the time in the future. 
> 
> Note: the rape is only implied, tag is just to play it safe

Dean and Crowley are friends. Just friends. They are both gay, or bi, or whatever you want to call it. Doesn’t mean they are gay with each other. Adults can have friends like that. At least that’s what some people say.  
And Dean was convinced that was what they would be. Should be. He really liked Crowley. He was funny, smart, kind, and dependable. 

They had met at an alumni event. Ridiculous really. Dean hadn’t wanted to go, but was dragged in by his so called friends, who just really needed a sober driver. Crowley had been making an appearance to socialize and to meet people after moving back to the city. Class of 2004 met class of 1999 at the open bar: Dean getting a water and Crowley trying to pretend the bourbon wasn’t disgusting. 

They were both alone and as these things go, they couldn’t just stand there quietly. They complained about the alcohol and the crappy music, and went their separate ways. Crowley hadn’t gotten any signs that Dean would be interested and Dean was just waiting for his friends to get bored.

Dean’s friends were having drunken arguments and giggling for no reason, leaving Dean the one getting more bored than he already was. Crowley had given up chatting up the age appropriate, polo shirt wearing ad executive, who was obviously hankering after fast sex in the men’s room. So they ended up at the open bar again and continued chatting aimlessly. Turned out they could talk all night. They entertained each other effortlessly. Dean was surprised how comfortable it was. 

At the end it got a bit awkward. How does one make friends after college? Asking for a number implied dates. 'When can I see you again?' was equally weird. In the end Crowley just put a business card in front of Dean with the parting words ‘if you ever want to chat again, give me a call’. And patted his shoulder in a universal sign for male friendship. 

It had barely been a week before Dean found himself ditched by his asshole friends downtown. They had gone to some club - dancing and music with no words. The few drinks Dean had managed with the group, made him brave enough to take Crowley’s card from his wallet and dial the number. The man agreed to meet up at one of the wine bars. It was easier than Dean though it would have been. 

Being drunk helped with the conversation. Dean probably let more details slip than he meant to. At least the raised eyebrows he got from Crowley indicated so.  
“What do you mean you are ‘allergic to sex’?”  
“Ah… Sex just is not my thing. Believe me, I tried”  
“Well that is an excellent reason to not go to the club. God knows they are made for grinding and humping in public.”  
“It’s really not for me. Hasn’t been in a long time.”  
“They were before?”  
“I don’t know… maybe it was some college thing? Trying stuff out. It was fun for a while”  
“Well lucky me. You like this place better?”  
“Infinitely”  
“Even if you have to suffer an old man’s company?”  
“You’re not that old and I’m not that young. Besides, what does it matter with friends?”  
“We’re friends then?”  
“I… are we? Is this how adults make friends? I don’t know”  
“Well I like your company and you don’t seem to mind mine. I’d say friends is an adequate description”  
Crowley’s lopsided smile was not creepy or suggestive.  
And Dean actually smiled. Friends were good. Apart from the ones who tried to drag him to clubs to get groped by random dudes.

They would get together almost every week for a few drinks. Dean still met his other friends for brunch on Sundays and watched a football game at someone’s place every now and then. They still had fun. And they still tried to get him to go out on dates. Charlie put him on Grindr one day. He let them play with his profile just to get them off his back. He would delete the thing as soon as he got home. They even took a picture of Dean for it. Appropriately he looked uninterested and annoyed for it. 

“Dude you’ve got a message! Already! God even with a shitty picture you get the men to fall on your feet.” Garth was in charge of Dean’s phone then. Whatever. Dean would NOT answer to it anyway. But then Charlie had the phone and apparently opened the message.  
“Hey Dean, do you know this dude?”  
She thrust the screen to Dean’s face. Way too close for normal viewing. Neutral expression. Oh… shit. Crowley. His friend Crowley. And now he thought Dean was bullshitting about the whole allergic-to-sex -thing! Christ.  
“Hey! Give it to me.”  
“You have been hooking up behind our backs? How long?”  
“Why would you think that?”  
“’Dean, did you change your mind? Fancy seeing you here’. Sounds like a one night stand”  
“You read the message? Nosy bitch. And no. We’re just friends.”  
“Whatever you say”  
This was humiliating. Answering with: ‘my friends are jerks and set this up’ should have settled it.

‘Ah… they don’t know you are not interested in sex?’  
‘Not really”  
‘I’m a bit gay, if that wasn’t obvious’  
Right. Grindr. And Crowley was on it.  
‘Best of luck for whatever this is really for’  
‘Thanks’

As if Dean didn’t know. At least Crowley was really just friends with him. He was interested in people to have sex with and was not looking for that from Dean. Which made Dean smile. And that started all kinds of speculations from Charlie and Garth. ‘Were just friends’ became Dean’s mantra for the next two months. And just to cut that shit out, he had to invite Crowley for a Sunday brunch. 

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

“No… We are not like that.”  
Repeated by Crowley, it seemed to work.  
“So you guys are saying two gay guys can be friends just like that? No extensive history? Nothing awkward in the past?”  
Crowley’s questioning gaze found Dean’s blushing face. And Dean’s friends were just getting started it seemed.  
“Yeah. People make new friends all the time”  
“I thought Michael was your ‘friend’ until I found him bending you over your sofa with rope around your wrists”  
Dean got quiet after that and trained his eyes on the table. Which made Crowley more confused than anything else. To be fair, Dean had mentioned he had tried sex before ruling it out. Made Crowley wonder how much of experimenting Dean had done. Tying someone up required a certain level of trust between partners and that kind of trust was built with time.  
“Well rest assured, I won’t be bending Dean over anything for any reason. We are friends. Would you sleep with Dean, Charlie?” The horrified look on the girl was satisfying. “See, I am as likely to sleep with him as you are. Friends. It’s a thing.”  
Dean looked at him with a wobbly smile. Jesus Christ, was he about to cry? Or just laugh? Or maybe puke? Instead of any of that, Dean just smiled, took a deep breath and ordered his and Crowley’s part of the bill. 

Dean’s thanks seemed heartfelt as he dropped Crowley off.  
Still, Crowley was slightly confused. Dean was extremely attractive and obviously had a colorful sexual history. How did one come out of that equation as an asexual or at least with extremely low libido? Crowley figured he was being insensitive and ignorant. Heck, didn’t some gay guys sleep with women in their teens? And people did experiment in college. God knows he had. 

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Dean was getting confused. Again. Crowley had taken him out on Friday to a nice restaurant and then into the weirdest art show ever. There were sculptures made out of condoms and bukes of dildos. It was supposed to be funny. Crowley seemed to be smiling quite a bit. Was this some sort of out-of-the-blue hint or a weird attempt at getting into Dean’s pants? And some of the works were hilarious, like the series of photos where men were staring at positive pregnancy tests with varying looks of horror on their faces.  
But the last bit made him uncomfortable to say the least. There were ropes. And dirty sheets hung on the walls. And at the center of the room there was a four poster bed with blood red rope arranged to look like restraints at each post. Suddenly Dean couldn’t breathe properly. His vision blurred and all he could hear was the blood pumping in his ears. He was going to puke. He crouched down to get his head between his knees. It only marginally helped.  
Crowley was kneeling next to him. At least there was no-one else crowding around them. “Dean? Are you okay? What’s going on?” The ragged breathing must have clued Crowley in on what it was. A panic attack. Dean felt hands guiding him outside and urging him to sit down on the gallery steps. Head between his knees and Crowley ordering him to breathe according to his count helped. Slowly things started to come back to focus. Crowley leaning close to check his pupils for god knows what, was the first thing he really saw and comprehended.  
“So… What was that about? Do you know?”  
“Yeah. The ropes were just too much. I get stupid like this sometimes.”  
“Dean. That was a panic attack.”

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Crowley was worried. Based on the conversation and the little snippet of information Charlie had divulged, Dean was familiar with some of this stuff. It had been the room with the ropes.  
Jesus Christ.  
“Dean, did something happen to you?”  
“Not really…”  
“That isn’t a ‘no’”  
“Uh… the ropes make me uncomfortable?”  
“I noticed”  
“I don’t like them”  
And that got Crowley nervous. If Charlie saw Dean with ropes, but Dean didn’t like ropes at all as it seems… Something happened between now and that incident or the event itself had an unpleasant association.  
“How long have you had this aversion to ropes?”  
“I don’t know? Since I was 20, maybe a bit later”  
And based on Charlie’s age, it was likely around the time she had surprised Dean with the ropes.  
It occurred to him, this was probably not the place to do this. Taking Dean home or somewhere at least a bit more private would be a good idea.

They ended up in a coffee shop. Maybe the only reason Dean was not running home to lick his wounds was some primal need for company after the panic attack. Sipping coffee in the late afternoon gave them both something to keep their hands busy and kept the situation less awkward.  
“Sorry for freaking out”  
“Hey. Not a big deal. This is what friends are for. No judgements and all that”  
“Thanks”  
“Seriously though… What brought this on?”  
“I already told you, I don’t like ropes”  
“I don’t like cats, but that doesn’t make me have a panic attack when I see one”  
“It’s embarrassing, dude. I used to have a boyfriend, who liked to tie me up. Bad memories I guess”  
“Jesus… What did he do to cause this? Must have been a class A asshole.”  
“Yeah. He was.”  
They drank their coffee in silence. Crowley kept mulling over the bad boyfriend scenario. It must have been worse than just an unsuitable personality or a cheating situation. Dean’s reaction was way too severe for that. It bugged him to no end. Something wasn’t right about the story. 

“What did he do exactly?”  
“I just didn’t like it. You know, when you just have to wait for it to be over. He would just go on and on. I was hoping for some sort of erectile dysfunction…”  
Crowley went cold and put the coffee mug down on the table.  
“Dean. That sounds like… rape.”  
“What? Nah. He was just an asshole. It was just sex.”  
“No, that’s not sex. That’s… violence”  
“He didn’t hit me or anything”  
Oh god. 

“Did you tell him you didn’t like it?”  
Dean got quiet and his gaze started to wander.  
“Just a few times. I never really said no”  
And now Dean was starting to look pale and avoid any eye contact. If he could go any further into the armchair's cushion, he would. 

“I’m so sorry. That is horrible.”  
“…I don’t know. I thought I could get into it… Guys don’t get raped outside of prisons.”  
“Yeah, they do”  
Dean was quiet again. His hands shook too much for him to hold his coffee anymore.  
Crowley had not expected this, when he decided to probe into the panic attack.  
“Let me drive you home, okay?”  
“Yeah…”  
It was only few minutes into the drive, when Dean started to talk again.  
“Was it?”  
“What?”  
“…rape?”  
“It sounds like it”  
“I don’t know. Michael was my boyfriend.”  
“Well, often it’s someone you know”  
“How do you know that?”  
“My cousin. She was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend. I was visiting. Heard them through the wall. It was a goddam mess.”

They were sitting in the car in front of Dean’s apartment building.  
“I could have fought him off”  
“Doesn’t matter, Dean”  
“But…”  
“If you didn’t want it, it’s an assault. You said you didn’t like it”  
“…yeah”  
“You wanna go inside?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Do you want me to come too? Or I can call one of your friends?”  
“Yeah, if you want. I’m okay though. It was just a panic attack.”  
Right. And the shaky hands were just shivers from cold.  
_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

They made it to Dean’s apartment. Dean flopped in front of the TV and stared at the screen for five minutes before turning it on. He didn’t notice Crowley until he stood right in front of him.  
“Dean… I think you’re in some sort of shock. Where do you keep blankets?”  
“What? Why?”  
“You’re shivering”  
“No I’m not…”  
Crowley crouched in front of Dean and stretched Dean's arm up front, putting the palm right in Dean’s field of vision. The trembling was not subtle.  
“Huh… I… have a comforter on the bed…”  
Crowley left to rummage through the bedroom and Dean was left looking at his hand in numb fascination. Man, that panic attack must have been bad. Crowley dumped the lump of fabric on Dean’s back. It felt warm. This was a great idea. Now if he just could stop this shivering crap. A glass of water appeared in his hand. 

He put the TV to a cooking show. They were making a cheesecake. With apple glaze.  
Crowley sat on the sofa and while he was watching the show, Dean could tell he was being observed.  
“I’ll be okay. You don’t have to stay”  
“Hey, it’s the least I could do seeing how I caused this whole thing”  
“You couldn’t have known. Hell, I didn’t know”  
“Still. Can’t leave a friend to their own devices after that.”  
“Hey if something was really wrong, you wouldn’t be able to help anyway. You’re an auditor, not a doctor”  
“Well, at least I can call a doctor. Do you even know where your phone is?”  
Dean patted his jeans pockets. Shit.  
“…thought so. I fished it off the gallery floor. Don’t worry.”  
They watched TV for a long while. It was getting late too. Dean felt normal again. And a bit tired.  
“Hey, I’m gonna head to bed. Thanks for… you know. Taking me home and all that”  
He sounded awkward. Hell, it was awkward. Oh and not to mention this was the first time Crowley visited his place. What a great host Dean had been. 

“Okay, I’ll head out then. Sorry to trigger this whole thing”  
At least he didn’t go into detail. Dean didn’t want to talk about it. Or think about it. Which made him think about it.  
“Not your fault. And you have made up for it and then some.”  
“I just sat here for a couple of hours.”  
“Yeah”  
The goodbyes at the door were awkward too. At least Crowley just told him to call, if it got bad again. Guess how likely Dean was to do that…  
He didn’t even try to go to bed. Just curled up on the sofa. And with the TV still on, Dean drifted off. 

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Crowley felt like shit. The outing was supposed to be a fun little thing. Something to laugh at.  
The panic attack was bad. But the reason behind it was worse.  
They had known each other for four or five months. And now Crowley knew something so intimate about Dean… he hadn’t even known that kind of stuff about his past boyfriends. Was that an indicator of shallow relationships? Mind you, Dean’s thing was revealed accidentally. It was really no-ones fault. Well, except for this Michael character's.  
Dean was going to hate Crowley in the morning. And that made sleeping impossible. Saturday was going to be shitty.

And as expected, Crowley felt hungover when he shoveled eggs on his toast. Mulling over Dean’s rape-y ex was a great prompt for fucked up dreams.  
Somewhere in the back of his mind the distressing thought had blossomed into full bloom in the morning hours. Maybe Dean’s aversion to sex was due to this asshole ruining it? And even worse, it could potentially be the first sexual relationship Dean had been in. Crowley would hate to be right on that one. But he had the feeling it was indeed the case. Dean would have been in college. And generalizing one relationship as the way things just were, would be something a first-timer might do.  
Crowley felt extremely bad for Dean, whose night must have been horrible.  
He didn’t want to bother the man. So he just texted a short ‘How are you doing?’ before heading to the grocery store. 

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Dean had the worst headache. The gallon of coffee didn’t help much. Nor did the hot shower.  
Crowley’s text reminded him about the panic attack. To be fair, Crowley dealt with it well. An equally short text: ‘I’m okay. Headache is a bitch’, was sent before heading out.  
The whole following week Dean had the echo of ‘rape’ in his skull when it got quiet. But that was a matter of perspective, right? People did all kinds of freaky stuff in the bedroom as far as Dean was aware. It was probably still in the spectrum of normal sexual behavior. There’s a reason why the sex shops always had all kinds of ropes and cuffs. It was something people did.  
Things went as usual for a few months. Crowley didn’t mention the panic attack and Dean didn’t bring Michael up again. Even if Dean had a few more panic attacks, at least they were in private in his own apartment. They had good times with pool in bars and they even went hiking one Saturday. That normalcy was broken however, when Dean was having a grand old time with Charlie and Ash. They were getting ready to start a movie on Ash’s gigantic TV and indulge in some imported beer and steaks.

The news story blaring in the background, while he was arranging the pizza slices and his beer at optimal locations, featured a college campus and a sad looking reporter. It was about a rape case. And the reporter said “The common argument of ‘she didn’t say no loud enough’ or didn’t resist, no longer cuts it... it’s not consensual, if they didn’t say yes. Do we need to call for consent training in all colleges? This is Cara Miller for channel 4 news…”

Dean froze.  
He couldn’t hear anything for a minute. Then Ash bumped on his shoulder to get his attention.  
“Dude, you ready?”  
“…huh? Yeah… I just need to…”  
He didn’t puke. He just wanted to. Was this going to be a panic attack? He was pretty sure it wouldn’t be. He was aware of everything. No blackouts yet. He took measured breaths and kept his eyes on the carpet.  
“What’s wrong? You look really pale…” That was Charlie. The first person to hug him after it happened. After Michael was over. She had thought it was to comfort him about the breakup.  
“Charlie… I… can you just turn off the news.”  
“Yeah. Was it something they said?”  
“Yeah… I… Michael. He… I didn’t…”  
He could see Charlie make the connections. He felt her tiny hands on his clenched fists.  
He had to say it. He had started to. Just to get it over with.  
“Michael did it and I didn’t want to”  
That was all he got out before his vision swam with tears.  
The gasp from Charlie was quiet and the hands on his squeezed hard. He finally broke down and sobbed silently. Repeating ‘I didn’t like it’, Dean rocked back and forth on the couch.  
“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, Dean”  
Charlie’s words were just a background noise. Ash was sitting silently nearby. He looked angry. It took a while for the tears to stop appearing. Leaning onto Charlie helped. It was probably the added warmth.  
“Do you wanna go home?”  
Charlie was calm. The question didn’t surprise Dean. But he didn’t want to be alone.  
“No. I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute.”  
“Can I do anything?”  
Could anyone really? It was an old thing. He was just being extra stupid about it.  
Ash seemed especially uncomfortable just sitting still in his chair.  
“Nah… It’s an old thing. Heck, it was almost five years ago. I just… I’ve been like this recently. It’s not serious, I swear. Let’s just watch the movie.”  
And Dean could still laugh at the comedy. He had overall good time. Even if Charlie glanced at him guiltily every few minutes. When he was getting ready to head out Ash cornered him. Charlie had left earlier to take care of her cats. 

“Dude, just so you know, I feel for ya.”  
“Okay…?”  
“Don’t take this the wrong way. Here, take his card. He’s really good. I recommend it really. Might be good for you.”  
Dean looked at the small business card: ’Dr. Mark Cain, Psychologist’  
“Ash…”  
“You don’t have to. But I do. And it’s really helpful”  
Ash looked a bit embarrassed. Dean had no idea his friend went to a shrink.  
“You?”  
“Yeah. Severe depression, some childhood stuff.”  
Asking what childhood stuff was, would be rude.  
“Look, I was skeptical. But it really helps and he’s good. Can’t pretend to know what you went through. But please think about it. I wish someone had pushed me there earlier. Didn’t need to wait for things to spiral out of hand.” Ash slid his sleeve up to show faint scars.  
Christ. That was some heavy shit. The panic attacks weren’t fun. But he hadn’t… not yet… thought anything like that.  
“Thanks, Ash…”  
As he was driving back home, Dean stopped at a red light and took a look at the business card. He would call. The panic attacks were getting more frequent. And so embarrassing when in public.

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Crowley was looking forward to hiking out to the lookout point with Dean. It was relaxing to just walk with someone who didn’t feel the need to fill all the silences with chatter. The early morning drive to the trail head in his car was pleasant. Coffee from Dean’s stash was smooth and aromatic. He did have a knack for making the best friends. Dean had impeccable taste in caffeine products and didn’t mind sharing with him. Even if in the beginning Crowley had hoped them to explore some more intimate ground, now their friendship was more important. Didn’t prevent him from ogling Dean’s ass in the loose shorts though. But it was more like appreciating the scenery at this point.  
They made the summit before noon and bit into the packed lunch from Crowley’s backpack.  
“Thanks for driving, dude”  
“No problem, Dean”  
The silence stretched again and they both looked at the scenery intently.  
“So, I’ve been going to this shrink for a few months now”  
“Oh?”  
Wow. Okay. Dean was in the mood to share and have one of their extremely rare serious conversations. Unless there was some sort of funny story here.  
“Yeah. I haven’t had a panic attack in a month now.”  
“Congratulations?”  
“Thanks. I have been meaning to thank you. For you know, bringing the whole thing into the foreground”  
“I still feel like shit for dragging that stuff up, dude. And I deserve that”  
“No. Cain thinks I would have exploded at some point or it would have festered into… like depression and stuff…”  
Crowley sat silently for a bit. Dean still had one of his content little smiles.  
“So talking has helped?”  
“Yeah. I was so angry for a while there.”  
“I bet.”  
“Yeah. I had a complete meltdown at Ash’s place too. I think Charlie freaked out a bit and Ash actually pushed me to see Cain.”  
“I’m sorry that happened”  
“Hey, not your fault. I needed it. I really did.”  
They had started to trek back when Dean spoke again.  
“Cain made me realize I might be throwing the whole sex thing away too soon”  
That made Crowley stop in his tracks and look at Dean, who was biting on his lip and looked nervous.  
“What with the bad experiences in the beginning…”  
“The beginning?”  
“He was ah… my first.”  
That finally confirmed Crowley’s original fear. He didn’t want to imagine what Dean had felt like at the time. Crowley barely remembered his first time. But that was because it had been an okay experience. Nothing dramatic. Just a bit awkward. And boringly safe.  
“Oh… Well good for you”  
“Actually I… Yeah. Good for me”  
They were back at the car and halfway back to Crowley’s, when Dean suggested they have dinner at Dean’s apartment. 

Eating a lasagna and sipping on mild white wine made Crowley relax. They ended up drinking the rest of the bottle on Dean’s balcony. Apparently Dean got tipsy enough to finally say what he had obviously been gearing up for all day.  
“So, I want to try sex again.”  
“Good for you…?”  
“Yeah I want to do it with someone I trust”  
“No Grindr then?” Crowley smiled teasingly.  
“Heh… nah. Someone I know.”  
“Oh. I didn’t know Ash swings that way.”  
“He doesn’t. I was thinking… If you wanted to. As a favor. No strings attached.”

Crowley choked in the wine. What the fuck?  
“What?!”  
“I trust you. And you can say no. No hard feelings.”  
“Are you serious? Dean, I don’t know…”  
“Take your time and think about it. I don’t expect any sort of commitment out of this. It’s to get me… I don’t even know what. I just want to know if I can do it. And what it should be like.”  
“No pressure then…”  
“The bar is obnoxiously low, Crowley.”

“So it’s me because you don’t feel like it would be a huge loss, if things really go wrong?”  
“No! Even if things go wrong, you would still be there.”  
Well that was unexpected. That was a huge dollop of trust right there. And of course Crowley wouldn’t be a dick about it.  
“What does your shrink think about this?”  
“Cain thinks it’s better than a one night stand”  
Dean seemed calm. Like he would be okay with whatever Crowley said. The man did have balls.

“I’ll think about it. But you do know, when we first met, I thought you were really hot”  
“Yeah, I was really trying with the bad shirts and shitty jokes”  
“I was flirting, you idiot. It was like throwing stones at a mountain”  
“Sorry about that…”  
Dean laughed a bit. At least they could still laugh about stuff.  
“Just warning you. I have been working hard to keep this friend thing going. If we do this, I might… I don’t know… go weird. Flirt again. Stupid shit like that.”  
“I’m… okay with that…”  
Crowley stared at Dean. He was still smiling. Did that mean there was something other than friendship there?

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Dean was nervous. Crowley was quiet. At least he hadn’t fled the apartment. Or laughed it off.  
“I like you a lot… Not like I like Ash or Charlie.”  
“Charlie’s a lesbian and Ash is straight”  
“Yeah… And they’re my friends. You’re a friend too, but… more… Let’s just say that I never envision Ash licking my neck when I jerk off”  
Crowley sprayed the wine from his mouth over the balcony railing. It was funny.  
“Little warning! Jesus Christ, Dean!”  
“Sorry” He wasn’t sorry.  
“You’re really serious about this?”  
“Yeah. You saying yes?”  
“Maybe…”  
The wine had relaxed Dean considerably. He was in that mellow phase where everything was okay.  
“I hear a ‘but’ in there, dude”  
“Well. If we are to do this, there are going to be some rules.”  
“Okay?”  
“I’m not going to be just a sex toy”  
“Obviously”  
“We are not going to just go at it tonight. We’ll work up to it.”  
“Why? Could be convenient to have it over and done with. I’d know if I like it, you’d know if it’s worth it”  
“No… just no. Sex shouldn’t be… I understand why you would think that. But I can’t do that to you.”  
“…okay. What do you want then?”

Dean started to realize this was going to be a two way street. And Crowley had an advantage on the sex department. He probably knew how it was supposed to be.  
“We’ll do other stuff first. You should be comfortable touching me and having my hands on you. That could take a while. You deserve so much better than what you have probably had”  
Dean hadn’t even thought about those details.  
“Okay. Anything else?”  
“You will have to learn to say no to me. Promise me you will say no?”  
“What if I don’t want to?”  
“Even then… I need to know you can say no, and you will say no. I can’t read your mind. Even if you just test it out.”  
Crowley looked very serious and sad saying that. And Dean wished he didn’t have to say that.  
“I’ll try it out I guess? I want this though.”  
“Good”

“So what now?”  
Crowley took a deep breath.  
“Well, I am going to go home.”  
“What? Why? We could…”  
“I’m tipsy, Dean. You had half a bottle of wine.”  
“Not into tipsy sex then?”  
“We both need to be on top of our game for whatever you want to do”  
Dean felt a sliver of fear. Fear of rejection? He walked Crowley to the door and handed a box of leftovers to him. Then Crowley hugged him. It was long enough embrace for Dean to first feel suffocated and then get unbelievably comfortable. He hugged Crowley back and felt the muscles of Crowley's back lightly tense under his palms.  
“I’m on board, okay? Just need this to go slow enough for you to stop and think every once in a while.”  
“Yeah. I’ll see you later?”  
“Yeah”  
Closing the door and getting back onto the sofa was all Dean could do before feeling a huge smile split his face. That went better than he thought it would. Even if he might have taken on a more serious thing than he intended. 

Dean had strategized a session with Cain for the very next day. Just in case something went wrong and he needed to be talked down a ledge of some sort.  
Dr. Cain was in his office ready with a notebook.  
“Dean, nice to see you again.”  
“Yeah… It’s been a good week, I think”  
“Did you do what you thought about doing then?”  
“Yeah. And he… he’s up for it.”  
“Okay… and how did that go?”  
“Oh we didn’t… he wants to go slow? I don’t know… I thought adults were ready to jump in the sack without all the stuff high school kids do.”  
“Some are. Sounds like this person cares about you”  
“Yeah.”  
“Good. It will be good for you Dean. This is why I suggested doing it with a friend. In my experience, it can be the best option for anyone’s first time. Heck, I did it with my best friend just before college.”  
“It’s not my first time…”  
“Do you really think so? Think about it a bit. Violence is not really sex. Penetration doesn’t necessarily mean sex. If that was the case, proctologists would hold a record on deflowering a bunch of fifty-year-old guys”  
That was a good point. And made Dean smile a bit. 

“The thing is, we haven’t been friends that long… something like a year? Maybe less. And there’s definitely something there other than just friendship, you know?”  
Cain smiled. “Yes, I know. I’m still married to my best friend”  
“Oh.”  
They talked about Dean’s means of wading off panic attacks for the rest of the appointment. Dean got the feeling Cain approved of Crowley.  
“Let me know if you need to see me sooner than next week, okay? You are doing well now, but trying intimacy again can trigger things.”

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Crowley came to Dean’s apartment carrying a pizza and a movie. An old fashioned movie night.  
They started everything up and Crowley finally got his actual plan moving. Cuddling Dean through the movie was a total high school move. The other man seemed stiff at first and then just gave Crowley funny looks.  
“Is this your kind of slow? Because, no offense, this is glacial.”  
“Hey, I'm just trying to get you used to… me being all over your personal space”  
“Oh… okay”  
“What did you have in mind?”  
“You could grope me or something? How am I supposed to get the message that you are into this thing?” The comment had a teasing edge to it.  
Crowley answered by crowding Dean against the arm rest of the sofa and stroking Dean’s cheek. It threw Dean off. The move was decidedly aggressive as a whole, but the stroking was decidedly non-threatening.  
“You are adorable. If you want things to go faster, make it so yourself”  
Okay. Dean could do this. He wanted to see if he could enjoy sex. So he should work towards that goal instead of just lay there apparently. How did people do this again?  
Dean mirrored Crowley’s gentle cheek stroking. Stubble was interesting. And since their lips were so close already, it didn’t take much to initiate a kiss. They both inhaled and then relaxed into it. Dean moved his hands to Crowley’s back and got bold. Sliding his hands onto bare skin was delicious. They really got into it once Crowley dipped Dean to lay on the sofa and nestled between Dean's legs. The whole body contact made sparks ignite in the pit of Dean’s stomach.  
When Crowley took a hold of Dean’s wrists, Dean froze. He tried repeating Crowley’s name in his mind to calm himself. It was not working. Finally he uttered a nearly silent ‘stop’. And Crowley’s hands were gone.  
Dean could breathe again. Crowley looked worried and had his hands up in a placating gesture while kneeling above Dean, giving him a wide berth.  
Dean took a few more breaths and came back to the moment.  
“Sorry”  
“Do you want me to go?”  
“No! No, I just freaked out when you held my wrists.”  
“Okay. Duly noted. Thank you for saying it.”  
“Thank you for…? Oh…” So this was what Crowley had meant.  
“You can say no or stop and this is what will happen, okay? I’ll stop.”  
Dean managed a smile and got up enough to drag Crowley back down to him.  
“Okay” The warmth was reassuring and the kiss was nice.  
Crowley grabbed him around the waist and suddenly flipped them over. Huh. That was new. Trying not to squish anything vital with his knees made things awkward for a bit until Crowley just hugged Dean down to his chest.  
“Better? Calm down a while. No need to knee me in the groin in a haste”  
“Yeah… okay. Good…”  
And Dean let his forehead rest on Crowley’s chest. He had never been in this position before. Which was really weird. It was one of the viable options for people to have while doing things. Why hadn’t he done this before? Even if it was just an illusion of having an upper hand, it made Dean breathe free and take a more active stance on the whole process of making out.  
Initiating a kiss, being the one to hold Crowley down, and deciding when to just slump onto the man below him and take a breather were revelations. Crowley seemed content to just take whatever Dean dished out. It was getting late. Dean didn’t want it to end. He kept stealing lingering kisses and stroking Crowley’s arms absentmindedly. As long as something was happening, he would stay.  
“Hey, Dean…”  
“Hm?”  
“Are you getting tired?”  
“Maybe a little. I’m good though.”  
To make it clear, Dean kissed Crowley sloppily. He could go on for a bit longer.  
“We can continue another time”  
“Now’s good”  
“You’re tired, I’m tired. This has been great. But I am going to fall asleep soon”  
“Oh… Sorry, I…”  
“Tell you what, if you’re not against it, I can stay here for the night.”  
“Oh… yeah. That would be okay.”  
“As long as you don’t mind me waking up early”  
“That’s fine”

Dean didn’t have to be alone. And the atmosphere changed into a less sexually charged as soon as they got up from the sofa. Which was fine. It really was. It was a shame to stop now though, just when Dean was getting confident. 

Having someone in his bed for the first time in years was weird. They didn’t touch at first. There were fewer clothes than they had on the sofa, and that made it more intimate, if not necessarily sexy.  
“Do you snore?”  
“What?”  
“Do you snore, Dean?”  
“I don’t think so. Why?”  
“I might”  
“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem”  
“Good… In that case, good night and feel free to snuggle or not. I am going to be unconscious really soon”  
Fair warning. And indeed Crowley’s breathing got deeper and slower in a few minutes. Dean looked at the man in the dim light of the bedroom. Out of a very old and unfortunate habit, Dean stayed awake and made sure he didn’t turn his back on the other person in his bed. Michael used to take his turned back as an invite. Not that Dean didn’t want that with Crowley. He did. But he wanted to be conscious for it and the whole experience unsullied by nasty memories. 

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________ 

Crowley woke up to a foot poking him in the calf. Dean was still asleep and tightly snuggled into the blankets. Crowley couldn’t resist getting closer and running his hand through the fluffy halo of hair. Getting close enough to smell Dean’s subtle body odor and feel the heat emitted through the blanket, Crowley closed his eyes and waited for Dean to wake up.  
It was possibly under an hour later when Dean moved sleepily to rub his face in his pillow.  
“Hey” What an intelligent opener, Crowley…  
“Hi… What time is it?”  
“Around seven”  
“You were not kidding about rising early. You hungry or something?”  
“No. I’m good.”  
“Okay… So what now?”  
“Continue where we left off?”  
“Horny bastard” Dean was smiling, so it wasn’t really an accusation.  
“I’ll have you know my parents were married”  
Gathering Dean closer with blankets and all got him a warm and sloppy kiss. Snaking his arms to Dean’s blanket covered torso made Dean jump a bit and then he settled on that nervous relaxation he had spent the previous night in. Willing to try it, but ready to escape.  
“You can stop me just like last night”  
“Yeah… Come on…”  
The kiss was slow and sleepy still. Until Dean was comfortable enough to participate fully. Crowley felt an exploring hand on his waist burrowing under his t-shirt. Mirroring the movement was well received. Things heated up fast and Dean got closer for full body contact. Pressing their morning erections together was heady and Crowley wanted more.  
He grabbed Dean and rolled onto his back. Dean loomed over him is a startled bundle of lust. And it was easier to start removing Dean’s boxers this way. The firm ass was released and Dean started to shiver slightly. Was this a trigger?  
“You too? Don’t want to be the only one naked”  
Okay not a trigger for anything bad at least. Crowley shimmied out of his underwear and ditched the t-shirt as well. Might as well. 

Naked was great. Keeping Dean on top seemed to be the safest option right now. The squirming on top of him was funny until their erections were lined up. The friction made Crowley groan, which in turn got Dean’s attention. And after that it seemed Dean’s goal to make him groan again. The sweat made things slippery too and warm enough to ditch the covers.  
Pressing Dean’s hips against his and trying to keep his eyes open was a difficult combination. They stopped kissing to prioritize breathing. Their panting was all Crowley could hear. Dean’s head was pressed onto his shoulder and his body was taunt, just at the precipice. Wrapping his arms around Dean’s lower back brought them tightly together and Dean finally groaned and came, clutching at Crowley’s hair. Crowley wasn’t far behind and soon they were covered in semen and cooling sweat.

___________ _________ ________ ______ ____ ___ __ _

Dean started shivering. It wasn’t even cold. That was fucking intense. Crowley’s skin felt hot under his body and the wetness between their bellies was getting sticky. The air in his bedroom was cool on his back, where Crowley’s arms were not still embracing him. He didn’t dare to move or even lift his head from Crowley’s neck. This could become awkward.  
“Holy shit. I haven’t come like that in ages…”  
Well at least Crowley was the first to say something. Dean tried to say something along the lines of ‘Yeah’, but somehow his voice was too scratchy for it to probably make sense.  
‘Hey, are you okay?”  
Well, now he had to actually talk. Dean took his weight to his arms and unpeeled his upper body from Crowley.  
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just… intense, you know?”  
“Oh yeah, I was there for it”  
“Hardy-ha… I haven’t had an orgasm with another person since I was 23 or something”  
Crowley’s smile wavered but it returned before Dean could be sure it was sadness and not a cramp.  
“Well, I would recommend cleaning up sooner rather than later. Getting glued together might sound romantic, but decidedly is painful and gross.”  
Thank god, Crowley let Dean go shower alone. Dean wasn’t sure he could do that with anyone yet. Which was funny, because apparently he was comfortable with rubbing all over a naked Crowley. He felt only marginally bad about leaving Crowley crusted in their spunk in the bedroom.  
This making out thing without clothes was doable. Maybe penetration could be too. At least with Crowley. They had been friends for a while. Dean knew what kind of food Crowley liked, how he liked his air-conditioning, and what kind of coffee he preferred. And somehow Crowley knew exactly what to do to make Dean comfortable. Was it because he knew about Michael?  
Trying to clean up the bathroom a bit before letting Crowley seemed like a thing one should do. Dean slipped back to the bedroom and was greeted with a naked Crowley stripping his bed sheets off.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Figured you might like this taken care of. We made a mess.”  
“Yeah, but you don’t have to do that…”  
“It’s not a big deal.”  
“Okay… But shower’s open now. I left towels on the counter”  
Crowley shrugged and stroked Dean’s side in passing as he sauntered to the bathroom. Was Crowley his boyfriend now?

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

After the rather successful mutual orgasms, Crowley got surer of this thing with Dean. They were tipsy after downing two bottles of wine with a delicious dinner Crowley made. It was a nice little dinner. Not quite romantic. They were still friends first and behaved accordingly. Talk turned to sex after Dean made a comment about Crowley’s orgasm face.  
“So, you want to see that again?”  
“Maybe”  
“Well, I’m up for it anytime”  
“You saying you want to… um… do more?”  
“What we did last time was plenty great”  
“But do you want to? Do you… maybe want to top?”  
“That’s up to you, man. As I said, I am perfectly fine with coming my brains out with a vigorous rub and tuck, as long as you’re there”  
Dean might have blushed at that. No-one had talked so frankly about sex with him since his dad tried to give him the talk. Which obviously had been useless considering girls didn’t really do it for him.  
“How are you fine with this? How do you know how to make me relax so easily?”  
Well Dean was drunk. And it was a fair question.  
“I actually like you, Dean. Just because I might be into something, it doesn’t mean I can just assume you want to participate in all of that”  
“But I could”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I… I want to try. I want to see how different it’s supposed to be. I’m not saying I’m into it, but I think I should at least try it. It’s supposed to be nice… I haven’t had it nice...ever. I want to have the… nice. And I trust you”  
Dean could never have said that sober. And Crowley’s surprised face told he agreed.  
“So you have thought about this a lot then?”  
“Yeah”  
“And you’re sure you want to do that? I mean, I’m usually a top, but can go the other way too, if that’s something you want”  
“Nah… tried that. Really not my thing.”  
Crowley looked at him curiously and sipped the last of his wine.  
“I’m honored, really”  
“But?”  
“Nothing… You should get what you want. You deserve to have it nice”  
“And?”  
“And I… I will make it good for you. Just not tonight. I am too drunk, and you know… prep… and all…”  
Dean smiled a bit. He would have to talk to Cain about it of course. It was kind of cute how Crowley was so sincere and surprised.  
To work towards the penetrative sex, Dean decided to stay at Crowley’s for the night. They were apparently too drunk to coordinate even masturbation. Which gave them the perfect opportunity to just cuddle drunkenly. It was the first time Dean was relaxed enough to be the little spoon. Surrounded by Crowley’s blankets with Crowley’s chest hair rubbing his back, Dean took a few deep breath and pulled Crowley’s arms tighter around him. 

_______________ _________ ________ ______ ___ _

This was the night. Crowley had made a trip to the drugstore, the sheets were clean (for now) and well, he didn’t think Dean was a candles kind of guy. He had deflowered a respectable number of virgins, but this was slightly different. Whereas his previous partners had an eager nervous quality to them just before, Dean actually had the past experience to potentially make him completely freaked out.  
He was just starting to ease the first finger in when Dean closed his eyes tight and seemed to clench his teeth.  
“Shhh… You’re doing great. This’ll make it easier. Relax and push back. In your own time.”  
Dean obviously tried really hard to follow the directions. He took a deep breath and then Crowley was able to push the first finger in.  
“Okay?”  
“…yeah.”  
Rubbing the inner walls had Dean closing his eyes, and tapping the prostate caused the predictable surprised inhale.  
“I’m going to put in a second one, okay? It’ll feel a bit full and stretched.”  
Dean just nodded enthusiastically. Adding lube and easing the first finger out for a while, Crowley observed Dean licking his lips in a way that seemed obscenely sexy.  
But when he went to slide the two fingers in, Dean froze. His breathing became fast and shallow.  
“Okay?”  
And there was no answer for a few heart beats. Then very quietly and seemingly with great difficulty, Dean whispered ‘no’.  
Crowley immediately withdrew the fingers and wiped them on the sheets. Stroking Dean’s cheek, he waited for the rhythm of breathing to normalize and finally Dean opened his eyes.  
“I’m sorry…”  
“Hey, It’s okay. We don’t have to do this right now”  
“It was just a flash back. I want to.”  
“You don’t have to force this, you know.”  
“I know. I really want to try... Can we? I promise I won’t panic again…”  
“Dean you don’t have to promise that. Just do this for you. Not for me”  
“Okay”

“Okay. We’ll do it this way. Here, take a hold of my wrist. Just guide my hand at your own speed”  
Dean’s sweaty palm was on Crowley’s hand and boy did it go slow. Crowley shouldn’t complain though.  
This could have ended just a moment ago. Gradually Dean got Crowley's fingers in deep enough to graze the prostate and that’s when he let go with a moan.

Crowley got a slow rhythm going to loosen Dean up more. Soon the man was squirming deliciously with eyes closed and mouth open. Stopping the ministrations before there would be an unscheduled mess, Crowley kissed Dean.  
“You ready?”  
“Yeah”  
His penis was almost blue. This was not going to be a long process.  
Nudging the rim with the head had Dean tensing slightly and it took a conscious effort to let him calm down and relax before sliding in. Kissing Dean while letting him get used to it almost made Crowley forget himself and grab Dean’s wrists. To cover up for it, he encouraged Dean to touch himself. Careful and slow movements were the way to go.  
When Dean opened his eyes, Crowley stopped and smiled encouragingly.  
“Doing well?”  
A nod and an encouraging squeeze from Dean’s legs wrapping around his torso, made Crowley move with purpose. Angling towards Dean’s prostate was rewarded with a series of moans and slight tightening around his dick. Making his thrusts firmer had them both on the edge in no time at all.  
“Dean… I’m gonna...” was all he could say before the orgasm hit. Not to be a rude lover, Crowley covered Dean’s hand with his and helped stroking Dean’s cock until it spurted and Dean groaned while he was still inside, riding the last waves of climax.  
Rolling to the side was a common courtesy as Crowley imagined Dean wouldn’t appreciate being suffocated by his weight right now. Turning to face Dean did not reveal a smiling puddle of post-orgasmic bliss.

_____ __________ ________________ ________________________

Dean was sweaty and tired and somehow still shivering. There were so many small things separating the experience from his last. The way Crowley fucking kept kissing him and just waiting so patiently for him to relax. The way he looked when he obviously wanted to thrust hard and fast, but controlled his movements so perfectly…  
This is how his first time should have been. The gentle man with stubble. Not the asshole with no regard to anything Dean wanted. Why hadn’t he stopped it earlier? 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… Was it too much? Did I hurt you?”  
Crowley was carefully stroking Dean’s head. He sounded panicked.  
Right, this was probably not how one should behave after sex.  
“No, no… Just thinking about stuff. I… this was everything it should have been… before”  
Crowley just sighed and carefully gathered Dean close to him. And didn’t say anything. 

Maybe Dean cried a bit, maybe just breathed funny against Crowley’s chest.  
They lay down for a while covered in sweat and tangled in the sheets.  
“I am getting stuck on you… shower?”  
“Yeah, if you’re up for it. I have towels there. You can go ahead, I’ll change the sheets and all that”  
Dean was grateful for the privacy. Especially when he checked that things were okay back there.  
It was a bit tender. There was no blood. Everything was fine. And Dean smiled at that. 

They were back in the bed and Dean was getting ready to fall asleep.  
“You will have to tell your friends” Crowley’s comment was made with a smile.  
“What?” Was the man into public stuff?  
“I don’t think we can claim we’re ‘not like that’ anymore”  
Yeah. Dean was going to eat his words with a shovel. Charlie would never let him live this down.


End file.
